Having your child do certain tasks like helping with the dishes, brushing his teeth and finishing homework can be a difficult task. They might cry, argue and yell forcing you to cave in and do the task for them. Unfortunately, this teaches the child that Mom and Dad will always do what they say when they start crying and yelling. What if I told you there are ways to motivate your child to complete the-oh so unpleasant tasks and avoid the crying and yelling? If you want the magic potion just keep reading.
- Rewards can sometimes be a temporary fix and can be useful when trying to accomplish a task like doing homework. However, studies show that the positive effects of rewards are short lived. “It is true that rewards will motivate people to do activities,” says Edward Deci, Ph. D., professor of psychology at the University of Rochester. “But what happens is the behavior becomes dependent on the rewards and will stop when the rewards stop. Adults go to work to get paid, but if the pay stopped, they would stop going to work.” This is true even if an activity is something they enjoy. Researchers at Stanford University found that when children who enjoyed drawing with markers were paid to do so, they quit using them when they were no longer paid. In other words, the reward somehow shut down their passion. In the short term, using bribes such as a second cupcake does not cause negative effects for things like getting your child to stop having a tantrum at a restaurant, but these rewards won’t build the child’s character or teach the value of keeping his finishing his schoolwork or going to bed at a decent hour. What does? Encouraging him to follow what makes him feel good inside- such as the satisfaction of a job well done. Not only will the child be more successful in the long run, he will also be happy and inspired. “When a child learns to ride a bike, he’s usually so thrilled with his new skill and eager to do it, it can be hard to persuade him to stop. That feeling of mastery is tremendously motivating”, says psychologist and Parents advisor, Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Ph.D., coauthor of Smart Parenting for Smart Kids.
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One-on-one conversations are helpful for knowing what is going on in their noggins. Kids are naturally curious and helping them understand certain things may help their motivation. Talking with your child about a task they don’t want to complete and understanding their point of view is crucial. Not only will you understand their view on the task but you able to explain how important the task is in a way that the child will understand and ask how the task makes them feel. Speaking with respect will make the child feel like you care and they will reciprocate the same behavior. Dr. Deci advices that if your child is tired from soccer practice and doesn’t want to clean their room, you can say ““Why don’t you take a rest and after dinner you can straighten up your room so you can find everything you need to do your homework?” Refrain from using language such as “should” and “must” and offer to be there to help when they truly need it”. With this being said, yelling and forcing the child to do something they don’t want to do will only make the situation stressful and possibly harm the parent-child relationship.
- If the child is unable to do what they are being asked to do, reward and punishments are beside the point. When a child refuses to do a certain task it may be because they haven’t learned the skill yet or there’s a learning issue. It’s not always because he is stubborn. Having an expressive communication with your child will help you uncover the real reasons why he is refusing to complete a task. If the child is unable to fully explain, consider speaking to his teacher or counselor.
- Praise your child when it’s appropriate. “Kids want to please their parents,” says Dr. Kennedy-Moore. “That sense of connection is powerfully motivating.” If your child did something they normally don’t do like make their bed before school, let them know they are appreciated but be sure to focus on the effort more than the outcome.
As mentioned in our last blog, children will often follow your example, more than your advice. Set a good example. If you want to improve the communication with your child, then improve your communication with your partner as well. Your child will see that communication is important and helps avoid conflict. Also, don’t forget to use your manners with them as well. Using “please” and “thank you”, will not only remind them of their manners, but they feel appreciated when adults say those phrases to them. Communicating successfully and understanding your child’s point of view will help make those unpleasant tasks a bit more pleasant all while getting to know your child better.
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